futuREFLECTION

Well, I was supposed to have been writing more frequently, but obviously I let that get away from me. Since the last entry what’s happened? Big thing, I’m currently unemployed… Let me tell you, being out of work SUCKS. Sure, I’m drawing free money at the moment, but working provides that sense of contribution to society as a whole, and a feel like a leech.

Aside from that, I’ve definitely been more on-point with my faith walk. Sometimes moreso than I want to. I mean, let’s face it. It’s NOT an easy thing to do. Caving in would definitely assuage some of my current wants and desires, but I know better based on my long-term goals.

In the meantime, I’m about to go get me some fresh air, then finish up this design project.

2 Corintians 6:14 Do not be bound together with unbelievers; for what partnership have righteousness and lawlessnes, or what fellowship has light with darkness.

Well, I was asked a rather poigniant question subsequent to a retarded breakup with Brandy yesterday. What is it that attracts schizophrenic women to me. As the scripture says, what fellowship has light with darkness. Despite the saying ‘Opposites Attract’, fact is people tend to be drawn to people that they find some commonality with. So what is it with me that draws issue-laden women to me?

A little bit of introspection makes me think that I seem to be portraying myself off as hurt and needy. I haven’t been ’single’ since ‘02, and I guess I’m somewhat toxic right now. Going into relationships based on what I feel I need more than what I might be able to bring. I can see how that would be destructive, considering that under those circumstances, I’m in it for ME. This is a sign to me, if nothing else, that I need to be by myself at the moment. Maybe once I clean my own internal junk, I can be of benefit to someone else.

what once was

It’s often irritating to find God to be right when you don’t want him to be. When you’ve been wronged, and your initial instinct is to strike back, but He says to Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, your first reaction is “That’s a load of B.S.” Hell, why impersonalize it… that’s exactly what I thought. I tried to lie to myself and SAY that I was being forgiving, but to be honest with you, for the last 8 months now, I really wanted Trish to hurt as much as I’ve hurt. From my perspective, I’m the victim here. Having done nothing to merit this, I’ve had everything I’d counted on, everything I cared about stripped away from me. My home, my family, my planned future… there when I leave for work, gone when I come home.

So it seems strange that this week, in deciding that harboring the rage and frustration I felt, instead of ‘playing nice’, BEING nice, we’ve actually had a good week. We were able to talk, a little. We were able to share some semblance of a rapport. I was honest, I told her how I REALLY felt about her, not how I characterized myself as feeling.  I let her know I still loved her.  That’s the thing… we actually TALKED.  For, like, the first time in YEARS.  It was actually kind of nice, if it weren’t for the situation that brought us to that point.

I miss her.  I miss them.  I miss that life.  I’m not going to pretend I didn’t have my part in what brought this to be.  I may not have done what I was accused of doing, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t drive her away.  I hate that I’m a family man without a family.  I hate that I’m a parent without his children.  I hate that the life I had envisioned is gone up in smoke.  But I still love them all.

It’s generally a well-known fact that the family court system is somewhat skewed toward women. In all honesty, it’s generally my gender’s own fault. Since time immemorable (for me at least), the general purpose of the family court system has seemingly been to get fathers to have some simulation of involvement in the lives of their child, whereas most fathers that I’ve seen involved in family court have used the system as a means of trying to get back at the women with whom they were formerly involved. Thus, I find myself in something of a pecadillo. I find myself accused of something I didn’t do. There’s no evidence indicating that I’ve actually DONE the thing of which I’m accused, however I might as well have been convicted because I’m being forced to pay the requisite penalty of the crime.

I’m becoming increasingly infuriated because I love my kids. I can’t even come up with a sufficient adjective to describe how much I love them. But, end result, even though I committed myself to being the father of 3, I only have one child. And even then, I’m denied the opportunity to be his parent. It took (takes) considerable effort to rewrite one’s mentality in order to stop being a single man and become a father. I took that effort, and in the end, the ground got kicked from under me. A lesser man would take that as an excuse to stop caring, and view this as an excuse as to why one should never completely invest himself in a relationship. I’m not a lesser man. I’ll be honest, this hurts like HELL. The dead space I feel inside is indescribable. I’d rather have lost an arm and a leg than be going through what I’m experiencing now. But, this is the reality in which I’ve found myself. It effin’ sucks. The only thing there is to do is find out where the ground is, and build again from there.

I can either keep on moving through this tunnel toward a light on the other end, or I can sit where I am and complain that it’s dark. The choice is mine.

Generally, I made it a point to avoid overdoing using my work time to post, but at this point, seeing as I’ve been reassigned to ‘chair-warming duty’ I may as well again. That, and considering the fact that I’ve come to the realization that I spend way too much time living in my head, I may as well drop some of that life off online again..

Long story short, I’ll be updating again.